The Anxiety Begins

After Braden was born (May of 2010), Jed began a normal adjustment period—exhaustion, frustration with our new life, joy in our son, getting used to my being a mom and wife, happy moments, rough moments, etc. And I began to be anxious.

I entered some very dark times. I worried constantly about what would happen to Braden. I worried about how I would get to him (literally 30 feet from my bed) in the middle of the night if someone broke in. I worried about whether or not he’d stop breathing in the middle of the night. I worried about what would happen to him if someone broke in, murdered Jed and me, and left him there helpless and alone. I worried I’d be raped. I had incredibly invasive thoughts in the middle of the day which would stop me in my tracks and literally cause me to weep in fear. I could not sleep at night for fear of missing something that happened to Braden. I cried on a very consistent basis—as in, every day at least once. My fears dangerously mingled with my emotions, and I was not myself.

During this time, I tried so many fixes to make it better. I knew that my fears were absurd, and I’d tell myself that even in the midst of an invasive thought, but it didn’t help. I’d quote Scripture, preach God’s promises to myself, and pray. These would work momentarily, but then my brain would wander and I’d begin a horrible scenario all over again. I’d feel guilty because I felt like I was not experiencing Braden the way that I was created to experience him. I felt ungrateful, sinful, and dirty for having these thoughts because I knew in my head that I had a healthy baby, a supportive husband, an incredibly loving family, etc. Who in their right mind would feel sad? Who in their right mind would have thoughts about things that had never threatened them before?

Don’t get me wrong. I also had moments of joy. Believe it or not, I fell more in love with Jed during this time period. He was so strong, so supportive, and so gentle with me. I also so enjoyed getting to know Braden and witnessing new life. I snuggled him and prayed for him and loved him. But I felt so fragile.

This entry is so depressing. Ha! Promise that it gets better....ish. :) But now I have to go watch Bennett grin. He's in a good mood, and I'm not about to miss his infant babble!

Bubye.

Your Maker is your Husband!

I saw this passage on a friend's blog today...

Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth he is called.
For the LORD has called you
like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,
like a wife of youth when she is cast off,
says your God.
For a brief moment I deserted you,
but with great compassion I will gather you.
In overflowing anger for a moment
I hid my face from you,
but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD, your Redeemer.
Isaiah 54:4-8

Five to Ten, Baby!

One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to write more this year. I know you totally guessed that by the fact that I haven’t even told you that Bennett was born in December and instead I just posted a picture of the picture that I still have not mailed out because I suck at my to do list lately (did I say lately? I was deluded for a moment. I meant always.). Apologies for that precious run on sentence.

This writing thing sounds easy. It is so hard. I know what I want this cute little space to be. I know I need a new header (nobody said I was a techie). I know what I need to write about and I even think God has called me to write about some specific things. But it’s very difficult for me because I am a people pleaser and I wonder what people will think. I wonder how if it will affect my undeniably professional image *cough*. I wonder if my more conservative friends and family will be embarrassed. I wonder if people will expect more out of me—like maybe they’ll expect me to be a nicer person or to have it together more or to wear cuter clothes or learn how to put on makeup the right way or stop biting my nails.

But I also know that it shouldn’t matter if those things happen. Part of my resolution is that it doesn’t matter who reads or doesn’t read this blog, I just know I need to write because I really feel convicted that it is what God wants me to do. I have a hard time listening to Him, but in church when Daddy or Chris preaches or our worship team is leading us in worship, I hear the Spirit telling me to write sometimes. It kind of embarrasses me to write that. Like my whole Presbyterian life I thought that those crazies who God spoke to were, well, crazy. And then He brings me to a new place in my desperation for Him and He starts to ask things of me because He wants to show me some things.

So I’m actually going to try to write for just 5-10 minutes a few times a week. And I’m going to stop the expectations on myself that I need to write for longer, and I may even have to end a blog mid sentence because Bennett’s diaper just exploded or Braden turns the graphics sideways on the computer (like he did this morning when I was in the other room keeping a very watchful eye on him and NOT reading tweets. ahem.)

And there's the end of that one. I think I wrote for 12 minutes because I’m an awesome mom and Braden and Bennett are actually sleeping. Or maybe I just forgot to turn the monitor on.

Photo Card

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October

Jed recently took a business trip to Korea and Malaysia. Was I jealous? You can't even imagine. But more on that later. I did not do a whole lot while he was gone besides be jealous, work, and tend to Braden; but I did have the honor of having Eli and Jude spend the night one fine Friday evening. Rox, one of my oldest and best friends, is their mamma, and you have no idea how much I love her and her family. Anyway, here are the kiddos playing outside together.

Eli, the super serious oldest child, does not exactly enjoy having his picture taken, but I did get one good one of his sweet face. :)
Jude--aka Ju-Ju, on the other hand adores the camera and was created to perform.
Braden loved having them here...
And when Jed returned, Halloween was quickly upon us. Here's Mario trick-or-treating at his Grandma's house. We went downtown with a few other families and kiddos and had so much fun trick-or-treating for the 45 minutes that it lasted. Here's Wyatt, Braden's partner in crime, Luigi!
Eli and Ju-ju, the awesome superheroes!

There Were Never Such Devoted Sisters

I felt like you'd like another picture, so here it is....my amazing sisters whom I love and adore more than life itself.

The picture editor is at http://pixlr.com/o-matic/

Did I tell you I'm in love? Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!!

Random

*A Hair Stylist's Nightmare*

A friend sent me the coolest picture editor today. So I needed to try it out. This is from June...can we say sliiiightly overdue?

I've had a rough few months but am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll write more about that later. I keep saying that, and I am obviously a liar. Oh, well...you can't always be good.