I have successfully watched July, August, and September pass by without writing. You're welcome. I wish I could blame it on the pregnancy, a time of peace and respite in my life, or something else noble. But it is because I've been such a wreck that I have had no clue what to write about. I probably need to post an update on our lives, on Braden's little evolving world, and post some pictures. And I will. But I also am going to write about what I have been going through, and what I am still going through.
Warning: this blog is about to change, and I am not going to be advertising it on facebook or anywhere else, but if you know someone who is struggling through similar things, you are welcome to share it. And if you're embarrassed for me that I am writing this and *gasp* putting it on the WORLD WIDE WEB, you can unfollow me or stop reading my blog. I will NOT be offended. :)
Ask me about my marriage, my child, my spiritual life, my job, my opinions, and I'll tell you everything you want to know (and everything you DON'T want to know...I'm quite a talker). And therefore I create a mirage for others that I have it together and I have some answers! But the truth is that I am actually private about things until I have been through them and have come out alive, better, and with an important lesson to teach others. I have been incredibly convicted of my motives for this over the past month. I do NOT want you to know that I am struggling. I want you to know that I've struggled. I do NOT want you to know that I fall apart on a regular basis. I want you to know that I have fallen apart before. I do NOT want you to see me cry, know that I feel insecure and vulnerable, or know that I don't have it together. I want you to know that those are all in my past and now I have it together because I am superwoman, I am an awesome wife, and I am the perfect mom all while working and overcommitting to the max degree. All of these are lies from the pit of hell. I AM struggling, I AM falling apart, I AM crying a lot, I AM insecure, and I AM NOT any of those awesome things I mentioned a minute ago. I have also had some of the darkest nights of my life in the last few months that have been filled with anxiety and I have not wanted to get out of bed some mornings.
God has been gracious enough to place a couple of close girlfriends and a few close family members in my life who have walked with me through the last few months. And they are still walking with me. I have felt loved by them and not judged, and I have really needed it. I have not needed answers or 10 things to make it better, and they have gotten that. They have listened, loved, and said, "We're here and we're not leaving."
I HAVE needed my Daddy's sermons, and I HAVE needed worship in a completely new way. I am learning to fall in to the arms of a Father who UNDERSTANDS, who sees my weaknesses, who dances over me when I am sobbing, and who gives me sufficient grace, righteousness, and joy in the midst of pain.
I am going to use this blog as a place for me to talk about the dark nights, the struggle to "get" God, and the weakness that I have experienced. I am not fixed, and that is my story. It will be until the day I die and God restores and fixes everything about me. But I have a God who heals me and who wants me and who sent his son to do everything I wish I could do for me. And I'm going to fall more and more in love with the reality of this.
Whew. I'm exhausted. More later....