After Braden was born (May of 2010), Jed began a normal adjustment period—exhaustion, frustration with our new life, joy in our son, getting used to my being a mom and wife, happy moments, rough moments, etc. And I began to be anxious.
I entered some very dark times. I worried constantly about what would happen to Braden. I worried about how I would get to him (literally 30 feet from my bed) in the middle of the night if someone broke in. I worried about whether or not he’d stop breathing in the middle of the night. I worried about what would happen to him if someone broke in, murdered Jed and me, and left him there helpless and alone. I worried I’d be raped. I had incredibly invasive thoughts in the middle of the day which would stop me in my tracks and literally cause me to weep in fear. I could not sleep at night for fear of missing something that happened to Braden. I cried on a very consistent basis—as in, every day at least once. My fears dangerously mingled with my emotions, and I was not myself.
During this time, I tried so many fixes to make it better. I knew that my fears were absurd, and I’d tell myself that even in the midst of an invasive thought, but it didn’t help. I’d quote Scripture, preach God’s promises to myself, and pray. These would work momentarily, but then my brain would wander and I’d begin a horrible scenario all over again. I’d feel guilty because I felt like I was not experiencing Braden the way that I was created to experience him. I felt ungrateful, sinful, and dirty for having these thoughts because I knew in my head that I had a healthy baby, a supportive husband, an incredibly loving family, etc. Who in their right mind would feel sad? Who in their right mind would have thoughts about things that had never threatened them before?
Don’t get me wrong. I also had moments of joy. Believe it or not, I fell more in love with Jed during this time period. He was so strong, so supportive, and so gentle with me. I also so enjoyed getting to know Braden and witnessing new life. I snuggled him and prayed for him and loved him. But I felt so fragile.
This entry is so depressing. Ha! Promise that it gets better....ish. :) But now I have to go watch Bennett grin. He's in a good mood, and I'm not about to miss his infant babble!